Exclusive (leaked from top negotiator): The Iran nuclear deal in full*

The P5+1 (the United States, United Kingdom, Germany, France, Russia, and China, facilitated by the European Union) hereby agree to the following

• Allow Iran to develop as many nuclear bombs as they wish, providing that for the next 10 years they are used only for peace-keeping purposes.
• Provide $200 billion in immediate assistance to help Iran develop nuclear reactors for peaceful energy use. This is urgently needed since Iran's natural energy reserves consist only of the second largest oil reserves in the world and the third largest gas reserves in the world. Without the alternative of nuclear energy, Iran's natural resources will run out in less than 23 million years, at which point it will be unable to meet the energy demands of its own population.
• Immediately drop all sanctions against Iran, but with the strict condition that this will be reviewed - and could even be reversed - as early as May 2160 if Iran does not abide by the terms of the agreement.
• Provide $100 billion in aid to support Iran's peaceful long-range missile programme and a further $50 billion in aid to support the beleaguered Iranian Revolutionary Guards fighting heroically to preserve democracy in Syria, Lebanon, Gaza, Iraq and Yemen.

In response Iran commits to the following tough conditions for a minimum period of 2 months

• Iran promises not to launch a nuclear bomb against any country, providing that country is recognised by the Islamic Republic of Iran. 
• Iran promises to allow IAEA inspectors to stay in the best hotels in Iran. All requests to visit nuclear sites will be carefully considered by the Ayatollah and the Al Quds forces. 
• Iran will telephone Valerie Jarrett every week to assure her of Iran's compliance with its commitments
• Iran promises that once its embassies are reopened they will be used to educate the local population about the world Zionist threat and will also help eliminate local Zionists.

The P5+1 have also assured Iran that any attempt by any country with a Jewish majority to compromise this glorious deal, will be considered a crime against humanity and will result in comprehensive sanctions against that country.

US Secretary of State John Kerry, who last week ridiculed Benjamin Netanyahu's speech in Congress saying "demanding Iran's 'capitulation' is no way to secure nuclear deal"** has today confirmed that, the only way to secure the nuclear deal was for the USA and its partners to capitulate.

See also: Iran and sanctions - the dummies guide

*satire but not much different to what is actually being negotiated
** Kerry really did say this